Pensive and Nostalgic yet Blessed and Fulfilled

While sitting in Common Grounds and drinking a Mexican hot chocolate, I am overwhelmed with memories. The hours upon hours I have spent here in the past were many, and so much of the experience of Baylor was in or through this place. I met friends through coffee, and finished many a paper on the eclectic worn couches and chairs. I am in Waco for the weekend, and while I still love this place, and it will always hold a place in my heart... being back is just not the same. I was able to see most of the people I have been missing already, and it has been amazing. I had an amazing time last night with great friends, and feel incredibly blessed to have had that time, but it not my home anymore. Typing those words brings tears to my eyes, as this place, these people, and this town became my everything, but now it is simply a part of my past it seems. I will never forget the times had here, good and bad, that shaped me into the woman I am today. The overwhelming excitement as I drove across the county line and into the city limits for the first time since I officially moved away was thrilling and yet terrifying. I was shaking from the rush of emotions and the thought of seeing everyone again. Scared that it would be a disaster, and yet knowing that God allowed me to come back for a reason, I opened the car door and felt like I was walking back into the hearts of the people here I love so much. From my best friend to my boss at my old church, seeing everyone again and feeling the burst of love, that a hug brings, was more of a blessing than I could have ever asked for. This weekend has been and continues to be a blessing. Good times with friends who seem more like family is a great way to spend a weekend away form work. The thin is though, although I felt welcomed back and loved, things are different now...

Since moving to Dallas, I have found life, love, and grace. I have come back to the God of my salvation, and started trying to live the life He has for us. I have come to know the love He has for us, and the incredible friendship He offers us as His children. I have found the loving God that I wasn't sure had time for me before now. Having Him in my heart, and knowing He has a plan for me and only wants the best for me, I have come so far in the two months at my new church, Watermark. He brought me out of this place, and into fellowship with Him. He took away all of the things that were keeping me from relying solely on Him. He took my job, my baby (my dog Andy), my apartment, my best friend, my church and my comfort. Growing up in a Christian home I knew that I should find a church once I moved, but I had no idea what God had in store for me. He broke me, and brought me closer to Him. He blessed me with friendships, that continue to encourage me, strengthen me, and help mold me to His will. In the past two months, I have lost almost everything I thought was important in my life. Little did I know I was completely wrong, and God showed me the error of my ways. He gave me love, grace, and life in Him. The joy I have in him in more incredible and fulfilling than anything I ever had before in any worldly things. I am far from being the person God wants me to be, but I can now see the life He wants for me, a life full of joy, not of this world, and lived entirely reliant on and through Him. I am not perfect, nor will I be, but the least I can do is strive to live for Him and in Him. Waco will always be a huge part of my story and how I came to who I am today, and I will always love the people who made my life here what it was, but no longer will it be what I thrive on. No longer will the comfort of this place and the people here make life worth living. 

All this simply to say... I love Waco, and all that the people, places, and memories it has, but no longer does being here drive me. God is my driving force, and He alone will fulfill me. 

^{Philippians 3
         7} But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in^[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

 ¹² Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

A Drastic Change, A New Beginning, A Bettering of Self

Long overdue, but here is my thoughts on where I was, where I've come, and where I'm going. 

My time in Waco... where do I start? Over the six years I spent in Waco, I learned a lot not only about myself, but about life, friendships, and God. I cherished the people I met, especially those I was blessed by getting to know, mainly the people at FBC Woodway, where I worked for four (what seems now) short years. I was blessed to have and get to know a few different bosses over the years, and they were all a gift. Words cannot express the things they taught me over the years, the wisdom they exuded, the friendship we shared, or the encouragement they freely gave. I worked in the Children's Ministry there, and saw God work in the lives of children as I watched them grow up. I still can't believe that the little girl I fell in love with when she was still learning to walk, not only learned to walk, talk, even have conversations with me, but during my time there she made the most important decision she'll ever make... she came to believe in the God who saves, and was saved from judgement. I still remember it like it was yesterday, when she came running up to me, beaming so she could share her decision with me. I can't believe how much those kids grew while I was there, and what they taught me while growing up themselves. Such innocence and wonder, and always longing for more. I will always hold love in my heart for them, no matter where I go, or how much time goes by.

My last Sunday was pretty perfect, and summed up perfectly the most amazing job I've ever had... I was able to work with my class that had just moved up, and they hugged me and loved me until my heart melted. It was all that I could do to walk away from them and not start a downpour. I went on to college hour for the last time as a Waco resident, regardless of the fact I wasn't in college. (I didn't go much of my senior year, as I was thoroughly involved in the children's ministry.) Criner brought it as usual. He was used, and spoken through and used his incredible gift to further God's kingdom. I'll always love his style. After that I went and for the last time, clocked out and went to say goodbye to the amazing women I had the chance to work with while there. I will miss all of them dearly, and cannot wait to see them when I visit during Baylor's homecoming. 

Moving back to Dallas after six years was and continues to be hard, but I have some pretty incredible people helping me through the transition. During the two months I was traveling back and forth on the weekends, I found a church called Watermark in Dallas. After looking around on their website, I found out they had a service on Tuesday nights for people in their 20s & 30s called The Porch. My first week there was ok, but the next I started to meet people. I now am getting to know a variety of people from different backgrounds, and all of them are amazing people. I feel blessed to even have met them, even more so to be able to call them friends. I can't wait to see what comes from these friendships in the future, and what they will teach me. 

Where I am headed only God knows, but I have much hope for the future. I am still looking for a place to live, but it is less of a concern than it was even yesterday. I am in a place where I can learn, and grow with people that will only point me more towards Him. I am excited for the future God has for me, and the places I will go with Him. 

Watermark - my new home

It was 1 month ago today that i lost my best friend and I still...

•   feel sometimes like he's just at the vet, or at mom & dad's like when i couldn't have him at baylor.
•   have trouble going to sleep, because for years he & i would sleep with our arms around each other.
•   hear his bark when I walk through my door, but it just doesn't feel like home when I remind myself he's gone. 
•  want to buy extra bananas when I go to the the grocery store, because little else made him as happy as his favorite food.
• can smell his mustache, that even right after a bath could smell so foul.
• want to go back to bed to wake him up, after getting ready for the day.
• can feel his kisses , that nobody in the world could know how much I treasure.
• hear the jingling of his collar, as we went everywhere together.
• see him prancing towards me, as if he was proving to the world what a great dog he was.
• feel him sitting on my hip with his arm around my neck, as no other dog in the world would be comfortable, but to him there was no other way. 
• see him sitting at the window, making sure 'his' neighborhood was safe.
• hear him snorting at the door, because simply sniffing just wasn't good enough.
• see him laying by the fireplace, what was then, is now, and will always our spot.
• feel him waking me up with kisses on a saturday morning, reminding me that his bladder doesn't always sleep in like his momma does.
• see him waiting at the door when we would go somewhere, barking every few seconds making sure I never forgot him.
• know the warmth of him cuddling up to me, could make the world and all it's problems fade away.

 I could go on forever, but I'll end my list with this last and most important one...

I can still see the look in his beautiful big brown eyes, that told me that no matter how hard life was, no matter what happened, he would do anything for me, and he loved me with everything he had even in his last moments.

I still sense him in so many ways, but it's still hard for me to come back to reality. I always knew he loved me, and I love him more than words can express. What still amazes me, is no matter how hard it got for him to breathe, no matter how much pain he was in, and no matter how difficult it was for him to even stand... he was willing to go through it all because his love for me was greater. One of my vets told me towards the end, that he was 'the most stoic dog' she had ever seen, and he was. He was incredible, and I miss him more than I am capable of expressing.