So... it's been quite awhile since I actually used this thing, but I found it again a couple weeks ago and realized how much I really love to write. It isn't about what people think, how they feel about it, if they like me because of it, or even whether they read it at all. Writing gives me a way to express what I am feeling about anything, mainly whatever is preoccupying my mind that day. I miss that, and I miss just sitting down all alone and making myself think it through by writing it all out. It is amazing to me to go back and read the things I have written in the past and remember what was going through my mind at the time. The mind is an incredible thing, and even though I might not be the most accomplished or brightest person alive, reading my own writing is enlightening to me. I truly feel that I have grown and changed drastically since the last time I wrote on here, and maybe that is the allure. I might not have the most interesting things to say, but I am a very passionate person and what I write comes from the heart. I invite you to read my thoughts, dreams, and rants if you please, and if not then I wish you well. I simply want to commit to giving myself the time in life to pour my heart out for anyone or simply for myself.

Pain

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

While driving home from the Mavericks game on Wednesday, I was rocking out to some music and singing as usual when this song came on. This song by Three Days Grace got me thinking about how in life we sometimes feel so numb and just cannot wait to feel something, anything even yes, pain. When we are in pain, is when we are growing the most. It is when we can overcome our trials and troubles and prove to ourselves and those around us that we have the strength to get through it. Times of heartache for me have been nothing but empowering. I learned so much about myself, my friends, and became closer to people during this time of pain. Sometimes, as the song states "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all". I would rather be down in the depths fighting my way back to sanity, than laying in a sea of emtyness and meaninglessness. When we are stagnant, we learn nothing, we slump and leisurly go about our business and learn nothing and therefore are nothing. We are simply wasting time. So, if you are ever simply stagnating through life, stop and think about what you are doing. Why are you in this state? How caan you get out? You could be growing stronger, and becomining a better you.

First call

Your wishes are coming true, you get the job of your dreams, you ace a test, you nail a presentation, or you get a car. What is the first thing you do? That one person comes to mind and you simply must let them know that your life has been changed in that moment. Why are they so important? Is it you significant other? A best friend? Your parent? We all have them. The people who get the "first call". The person that you just have to tell something to, whether it be heart breaking or delightful, they simply must know about it. In our lives we tend to fall back on people, no matter how strong we try to be, God made us this way for a reason. He did so in order to give us companionship, a way to feel loved. He is the ultimate "first call". The crazy thing is, He already knows, but never will He fail to show His love to us, and rejoice or be there for us in a time of need. Who is your first call? What is the relationship you have with that person and are you their "first call"? Why that person? Let the people you love know you love them, and your "first call", make sure they know why. If you can't tell them, then how will they ever truly know?

Talk is cheap

I am a student at Baylor University, and a minor in religion. I am taking a world religions class as a part of my religion minor, and thus expected to learn about well, religions of the world. In fact though, I am receiving guilt trips about shopping at walmart, not giving large amounts of myself and my possessions to aide in the civil wars in Africa. I have sympathy for those people and want to help, but rather than trying to guilt me into going over there or something, give me something to do about it. Also, if I was wanting to learn about the trials facing Africa, I would take a class on it. I choose a class about world religions because I want to learn about the primary religions of the world, yet it is the end of the second week of class, and I have not learned a thing about them. I am not very happy about it to say the least.

Life is great however, and I am continuing to love being here in Waco and living with one of my best friends. The only thing I wish I had here is my baby. I miss him a lot at the moment, thus why I am strongly considering braving the snowy weather to get up to Dallas and be with him. Classes are quite busy and they keep me working throughout the day and sometimes late into the night. I am happy to say that I have become accustomed to going to bed at the latest around midnight, which has been very enjoyable. I wake around seven or eight thirty daily and on Monday Wednesday and Friday i eat breakfast while watching my new favorite show, Rachel Ray. Afterwards I continue to get ready to face the day. Shower, get dressed, prepare my notes and whatnot for my classes, and then leave for class and start my work for the day. Tuesday and Thursday, I wake up and get ready, although not in as desirable a pace. I then go to my early class and come back during my break before my two back to back classes at 12:30. I am very proud of myself so far this semester and hope to be able to continue this routine. I have studied my notes, done my reading, and worked hard to turn in my work on time so far, and can only hope and work hard to continue this.

I am also still working at my church, which I love doing and now am getting paid for which is exciting. I am hoping to be working with them throughout the summer and maybe even being the intern again, who knows.

My life continues to be very blessed and soon I will be another year older. I cannot thank people enough for all they have taught me and given me in the past year.

Growing Up?!

Am I just growing up or did I just force myself into this situation? I am sitting here in my dad's recliner, and it is less than one hour from midnight on new years night. I had a few different options and they all seemed to be promising. Well, I showered, put on some new makeup, even did my hair for once, and yet the options just didn't seem as exciting as they were before. So here I sit, while I have friends out having fun and celebrating. I'm not complaining, but it is just a bit disappointing ya know? I was excited about the opportunities I had before me, and now I sit here with my "other half" (Andy) as I watch a not so exciting movie. I'm going to be heading to my fav drink stop soon and maybe to a friends place later, but for now this is my reality. Have I simply grown up and am no longer interested in what I used to have fun doing? Or is it that I couldn't decide and was excited about all the options so much so that I forced myself into this situation? I don't know. I guess I will figure it out, but for now I will just enjoy the time I have with baby.

Happy New Year to you all

Fear

Are you ever afraid? Scared of the dark, of rejection, of being alone, or even scared to grow up? I am scared as I write this. I just finished writing and sent the last paper of the best semester of my life. I am scared of the future. As this semester comes to a close I am afraid that the future will not be able to live up to the last few months. Throughout this semester there have been a number of extremes for me, but I have thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. I have been more stressed out, afraid of failure, more excited about life, more organized, more messy, more confused, busier, smarter about time management, and more rested than I feel I ever have been. At times I thought that I could move no further, then God would pull me through and I would be stronger than before. I have grown so much this semester and could not be happier about it. I have quit my first real "working world" job, I have been an intern in the children's ministry at my incredible church, I have become closer and closer to my best friend, learned how to better organize my time, gained what will be a sister, become "one of those", become more of the person I have always wanted to be, read entire books by choice, been in the Dallas Morning News and even publicly admitted to missing my brother, yes it happened. I don't know what happened, that made all these situations, that have changed me, but it has been amazing. I just have to say thank you to everyone who has had a part in my life the past few months. From my family, to Heather, to my roommates, and classmates you have all had a part in making me who I am today.

To my family and two best friends... you have been there with me through it all. You never failed me and I owe you so much for that. I love you and will never forget the blessing you have been to me.

All in all, I am very scared that the future will not be able to live up to this semester, but at the same time I know it will make me a better person and therefore look forward to it. Wish me luck, as I go boldly into the unknown... name that movie

Ok, I am going to preface this post with a brief description of how my life is amazingly blessed...

I wake up every morning in a wonderfully comfortable bed, get out of bed and walk past both of the computer I have in my room presently, and head to my bathroom which is beautifully decorated with coordinating towels, trash can, kleenex holder, shower curtain, and a picture. Speaking of pictures, I am surrounded by the people I love from the moment I wake up til the moment I fall asleep because of the pictures I have all over. I am constantly reminded of the wonderful parents I have and all that they do for me. I am at Baylor after all. I have two amazing best friends, that I can tell anything to and know that they will tell me what I need to hear rather than what I might want to hear. I also have the great privilege of having a dog that is more of a friend than I could ever ask for. I know how pathetic this might make me sound by saying that my dog is such a good friend, but if you had ever seen us together, you would understand. These are just a few of the vast amount of blessings I have in my wonderful life. Saying this, now it is time for me to explore the reason I felt the need to write tonight, or this morning rather.

I am a junior in college, where did the time go? I wandered over to the fizzling bonfire after meeting Juli and some people at ihop after work. Yes, I worked til close. I was walking up to the fading fire, when I started to think about how quickly this semester has gone and what all has happened. I feel that I have grown quite a bit. One thing that has been eating away at me, work. I hate my job. I really do hate it. I am not over exaggerating or making it dramatic. I feel like every time I walk into that place to begin my workday, and I feel the tension of that place. I feel all the more stressed the second I step foot into that (for lack of a better term) hell hole. I get this feeling that no matter how hard I try and what all I do to succeed there, all I get is picked on, lectured, or glared at. I feel the stress that the place puts on people. I mean there is something wrong with the fact that the people are not happy for more than a month at most. They begin to have a bitterness toward that place, and the sad thing is that a good number of those people cannot afford to quit in order to find a better job. There is something that reeks "unprofessional" about that place. I am trying to keep my cool about this, but I just get angry when I think about it. I have missed out on so much due to that job. I love working don't get me wrong, but I hate my job. I love being out in the world and earning my own money, and I love working where I get to meet so many new people all the time. I just cannot handle the stress it gives me anymore. I am going to miss every homecoming event this year, because of this job. The opportunities that have passed me by are many, and I do not think I should continue to take it. I want to work in a place where I shouldn't have to worry about getting griped out for needing to go to the doctor. All this, I guess, to say that I am turning in my two week notice in a week. I will be quitting my first job that I ever went out to look for, interview for, and work hard at. Not that I did not work hard at my other jobs, because I really did, but this one required so much more: mentally, physically, and spiritually. I have grown so much because of this job and matured in so many ways. I am thankful for the opportunity it gave me, despite the emotional drain it has become. I am going to end with a simple request that you pray for me. Pray for me to have the strength to do what I feel God is telling me to. I feel that He is guiding me away from this job, and onto bigger and better things. I have been contemplating quitting for awhile now, but I felt it wasn't right until now.

I want to thank you, who are there for me. You are priceless and I could never replace you for you are truly a gift from the God that has blessed me with so much else. This has not been the easiest year, but I have grown so much and that is something I cannot regret. I don't know what else to say right now, except that I love you all, and I hope you are blessed beyond belief for the things you have done for me. It meant the world to me and will continue to. I hope you all have a great week to come. Again, I love you.

"One of Those"

Today has been a great day, as most of this week has been. It started out a little rough as I missed my internship on Sunday morning, which I still don't know why. I vividly remember setting my alarm, oh well, such is life. Monday came and went with nothing too exciting, but just overall a great day, even though I had a test in PoliSci. I think it went well though. Tuesday I was working on my paper on Kyle Lake's book, Understanding God's Will. A great book I must say and he was such a gifted writer. He had a way of communicating with people, that I believe is unparalleled. Needless to say, I really enjoyed reading not only this book, but also his other book, Re understanding Prayer, which was amazing as well. I just might be becoming "one of those". Yes, one of those people that read for fun. ME! Of all people, can you believe it? I can hardly and I am me! I used to laugh at those people, but alas if there are books out there that are as great as these, then you better get used to the idea of me reading, yes, me reading for fun. Simply for the pleasure of getting caught up in something that blocks out the issues going on in your life. I never imagined I would ever be saying things like this, but I am and not simply this, but I am excited to find a book that captures my attention as Kyle's books did. The search is on...

Back to my week, which was centered (literally) around the concert I have been waiting for since back in June. Wednesday was the day. I woke up at 6:45, went to common grounds and worked on my paper while having an angel's kiss cab. It was quite enjoyable waking up early. I know what you're thinking, Danita is not writing this. Oh how wrong you are though. I really enjoyed waking up and being there before the crowds came and when cg had just opened for the day. Again, I know I am becoming "one of those". Not a morning person exactly, but someone who enjoys the solitude of the morning. The peacefulness of the empty roads, the smell of freshly brewed coffee, the crisp air hitting you as you walk out the door, and the way the day just seems to flow afterward make it all worth while. While sitting on the couch with the computer on my lap and coffee at my side, I had no desire to come back home and get more than 4 hours of sleep. It could have been the excitement of the concert that very night, but for some reason I sincerely doubt it. It was refreshing to be awake and working before most people were even conscious.

I keep "chasing rabbits" as my family always said. A phrase which I never truly understood and still don't, but oh well, not the point. I left there to go to class, which was not nearly as enlightening. When I came home from class, I made sure all of my stuff was together and went to lunch with Juli and her dad to fudruckers, which was fun. Almost as soon as we returned to the house, we were headed to dtown for none other than the Plain White T's concert. I was soo excited about this concert, I bought the tickets the day they started selling them. I am talking wake up early on a Saturday morning to buy them, kind of excited. Yes, I know I have issues. I embrace them, and use them to my advantage. Almost to Dallas and getting more and more excited, Juli and I are jamming out in Clifford while trying to hack our way through rush hour traffic. The phone rings. Daddy is on the other line asking me when the concert starts and if are tickets are assigned seating. I am very confused as to why he needs to know and wandering what he could be thinking. I ask why and some of the greatest words ran through the phones and jumped in my ear and started jumping up and down quite quickly. He had tickets to a pep rally for season ticket holders only at six flags, and the team would be there. Excitement. Thrill. Tension. Worry. All this came like an avalanche, and I started to squeak. Juli was confused, I guess, I should have told her what was going on before I did. While I'm freaking out on the inside mostly, but some on the inside, I am trying to figure out how this would work since our concert was at 7 and the pep rally was at 6:30, and to get the tickets we would have to pick them up from Daddy's office which was a good 30 mi away with the traffic. Poo. We don't have time. I must see Plain White T's. I need to see Dirk and Devin. They miss me, I know they must. But PWT was there and I had the tickets for so long...I have to do both! I asked Juli if she was interested in Six Flags before the concert, to my surprise she said yes! :) We rushed to get the tickets and went to six flags, and rode titan with no line whatsoever. Cool, yes, but the best was after that. We hurried over to the pep rally, and there they are, in all their gorgeousness. It was my day. The heavens opened up and the angels started singing, but not too exuberantly mind you. The rally was almost over, and I'm thinking "no, no, no...I must get closer. they need me to." So...I did. Oh yes, within 10 minutes I was within a foot and a half of Dirk freakin Nowitzki ad Devin freakin Harris. My day, no, my week had been made. I thought the heavens were rejoicing before, nope. They were just humming along, while on a walk probably. The second adorable Devin cam into sight and started coming closer to me, I heard the hallelujah chorus. Oh yes, and then Dirk. Oh Dirk, so hott. He came out and wow. I should have lost my hearing, not from the screaming girls all around me, but the dang angels were so loud. I mean talk about some singing. They have got to have pretty good lungs. All this commotion, and yet we had to leave, but not until they were out of sight. It was a great few seconds. We then headed to the concert with me trying to catch my breath. We walk into the concert (thanks to daddy and his miracle ticketing works) and there it goes again. Stupid breath, what good are you if I keep losing you? Plain White T's, right there in front of me, singing my favorite songs. It was amazing, and then, none other than the best bgf in the world texts me mid song with a lyric from one of their songs, and with perfect timing. Life was just incredible at that moment. I was so blessed. How in the world did I get blessed with a day like this? All I know is I didn't deserve it, but it was one of the greatest days of my life. I hung out with my best friend all day, had my favorite coffee, saw Dirk and Devin UP CLOSE, went to the PWT concert (and got a new shirt and jacket there), had a great bgf moment, saw the rents, and got to have my baby by my side as I fell asleep.

Yesterday went by without anything too exciting. We just came back to Waco, and went to class. I went to lunch with my amazing internship supervisor, Heather, at Ninfa's. I then proceeded to take a 4 hour nap. Not what I had planned to do, but alas I did. oops. Today was great again and it is not as if something extraordinary happened. I just woke up got coffee, went to class, cleaned my room, and met my adopted family from my church. Regardless, it was a very blessed day in my book, even though I don't have a book, well not one that I wrote anyway.

Well, I hope all of your lives are going well. Have a blessed weekend, and remember that I love you! :)

so i should be asleep right now, but jukirb and i are still up and dancin. i thought i would give this thing another chance and see what would come of it. why you may ask. well my recently frenchy brother got back at it so why not?

life is crazy and has changed immensely since the last time i posted on here. Baylor is amazing, I'm in my junior year and cannot imagine leaving in a year in a half. my major has changed, but french remains my passion. I'm an international studies major now with a double minor in religion and french. I'm doing an internship at my amazing church this semester, and am loving every second of it. Children are def. one of my big passions and working with them on a regular basis is such a blessing. I taught a Sunday school class for the first time ever and with only like a couple minutes notice...literally. It was intense, but a lot of fun and def. helped me get out there. My supervisor is amazing. Heather is such a role model and I am blessed to even know her, but to work with her? It is a gift, that no matter how hard I try...I could never repay.

In other news, I will have a gorgeous, intelligent, and freakishly amazing sister soon enough. Yes, that's right, my brother of all people found her. Not only found her, but somehow made her fall for him. Crazy, i know, but i can't wait. I always wanted a sister, but at the same time not ya know, cuz i didn't want to have to share my daddy with another daughter, but this works out so perfectly. I still am my daddy's only babychick, and i get a sister too! Greatness. God works things out so well, but then again He IS God so there's that.

So i have been missing boy meets world lately. sad times. i think i should watch it somehow. maybe buy the DVDs or something. idk. we'll see. I should prob get some sleep though, long day tom and then even longer the next day, but I'll be with baby and the rents so its all good. so for now...g'day er well g'night er morning or whatever it is. cya :)

 

As I sit and wonder why
My mouth at once becomes dry
I am begining to understand
Why so many hold my hand
They stick with me for awhile
But are gone once there's a trial.

http://www.xanga.com/skin.asp?user=bikd

I think it's about time to go for a visit to Jenn.

"It's time to try, anything to be with you. All my life I've waited, this is true. "

I can't stop listening to that song. I'm not quite sure why, but I won't explain how I feel and what goes through my head when I do. Some of you might actually know but the others don't because you have no reason to, so there.

I had a very confusing dream as of late. I was so confused that I'm still wondering about that it could have possibly of meant. It is bothering me so much. I don't know what to think about it. I'm thinking I might call Jennifer (my counselor, for those that don't know) and go see her and see what she thinks and just to catch up with her. She's great. I love her. It has been awhile since I've been to see her, but hey that just means I can do it on my own now and don't need help all along the way.

Let's see, Dirk cut his hair. I'm not very happy about that. I need to have another talk with him. This time he better listen or his butt is going to get it. I don't care how tall he is, don't tell me I can't. I know I'm good.

I'm trying to think of what else to write but can't think of anything so...I'll leave you guys with a 'Merry Spring Break" and gday!

So lately I have been either busy or sleeping, thus why I haven't updated. I aslo was out of town this past weekend. I went ova to Baylor to watch Dustin perform in All University Sing. He was great and it was an interesting experience. I love waco no matter how strange that sounds and can't wait to go in 5 months. It's going to be great.

Uh let's see I have something I would like you to pray for but I can't give details so what I will tell you is that one of my very best friends and basically part of my family is going through a really hard time right now and prayer can always help. Thanks.

I started my diet today. It's been cool so far. Who knows how long that will last and when I'll be dying for a cheesburger or something.

That's all for now. Not much to say really. If ya want to know more call or comment or something. Gday!

http://global-playlist.yahoo.com/makeplaylist.dll%3Fsid=8570095&pt=url&xdata=0-21437293-NaN&s=0&b=&zz=a.asx

great song

I thought I would update because I had an amazing afternoon and night. I am truly blessed with the friends that I have. I was reminded of this tonight both at church and then again at Starbucks with Marta and Alyssa. I so often take for granted the people in whom I can truly connect with. I think sometimes that I just don't have any real friends that I can just talk to and them just listen but I know I do. I just hardly see them or what not. They are a great blessing to me and I thank them for everything they have done for me whether I liked it or not. They tell me what needs to be said whether I like it or not. I love them so much.

Another great thing about today:
Let me just say that God is amazing. I know that it goes with out saying but it should be said because of how true it is. He continues to amaze me and leave me in awe. He reaches out and touches my hand and lets me know that it will all be ok. He blesses me with great friends, family, my job, and so much more. Tonight at church I felt His hand upon my shoulder as I did back at Super Summer. The omniscient power He has calmed me and let me worship Him with no fear of who was watching or what others might be thinking. As I was on my knees with my hands clasped together, I started to tear up and realize how I've been hurting. God loves me so much and I pay Him back by screwing things up in ways I have said I never could. I can never really pay Him back for all He has done for me, but the least I can do is live for Him. That is what I choose to do from now on as best I can. It is a tough thing to do so all the encouragement I can get is appreciated. I write this in hopes that you, all of my lovely readers, will help to keep me accountable in all I do. Some know more than others of what I do and what not, but what you do know confront me on it if I shouldn't be doing it. Please, don't be afraid I am going to bite your head off because you said something. I will respect you more for it.

This is all for tonight. I'd just like to end this post with a note to all of my friends and family:

I love you all and could never forget you. You all mean so much to me and I will always hold you close to my heart. Thank you for everything you have ever done and will do. You mean the world to me.

Wow! So my birthday and the days surrounding it were nothing like I thought they were going to be. They were absolutely amazing. Thursday I was supposed to be taken out by Christina when in fact in was a way to get me and her somewhere so that my rents and Adri and Amy could surprise me there. It was so cool. We were at the Magic Time Machine and had the tooth fairy as our waitress. She was cool and had this great attitude. We had a magic guy, who was pretty cool, and a balloon chik, who was awesome. She made me an elephant. It was orange and spiffy. You should have seen him. His name was E.R. No, not as in emergency room but yet for EleRabbit. If you don't get it, don't ask you won't lol. Well all cept the rents got our pics drawn. That was pretty cool. I got some awesome presents and that was only Thursday.

Friday, was my actual birthday. It was amazing. I started my day with getting to school late which is always good lol. Then I received some flowers from my Adri through the 'valagram' thing. The day went on and was good and I went to lunch and my mother was there and brought me Chikfila. Let me just say Yummm. It was really cool and yea. I ate that and went to the elementary school and it was cool. We had our lil Valentines day party and that was cool. I saw my boss after that and she told me happy bday and what not. I also found out right before talking to her that I was allowed to get my cartilage pierced. I was thrilled about that seeing as I had wanted it since like 9th grade. I went over to Alan's house and chilled with 'mommy' for a while and then headed home to supposedly go out with CK. Well much to my surprise I'm just chillin at home and my bro walks in the door. I was like woah. OK you live in Waco, Why are you here, Chuck? He came home to surprise me and to take me out to dinner and a movie for my bday. It was awesome. We went to Macaroni Grill and then to the movie Hitch. Awesome movie, so hilarious. you need to go see it. And well I shouldn't even have to say that dinner was good but of coarse I will. It was fantastic, delicious, scrumtious, all that mess.

Saturday, I went to work and came home to get ready and go out to eat before Dustin left. I also got some more presents. They were so cool. It was a lot of 'Bill' stuff. I then took an insanely long nap and it was awesome. I woke up and two hours later went back to sleep. IN other words, good day.

Today, I went to church and lunch there for the anniversary and what not. Tonight is SNAC and we're goin skating. That always takes me back. Back to the days of being a kid. Seeing as I'm an adult now. Craziness. Oh get this...I was excited today when I went to Walmart not only because I was going and I love Walmart but I bought some Sharpies and you know how you have to be 18 to buy them? I was. HA! That amused me so much. I love Sharpies. They are cool.

Oh! I never told yall about Regalia. It was so much fun, like wow. I had an awesome time with all the people I went with. We had a blast the entire night. It was just great. I took tons of pictures and we went to three or four different places and it was so much fun. We also hung out the next day for the super bowl. Not that I actually watched it or anything but it was a lot of fun. Those kids are great.

Well all is well and I'm good. Just thought I'd update and let people know what was going on in my life. Hope all of you are doing well. G'day!

So I turn 18 tom. weird huh? ME 18...an adult legally. Just kinda odd to think about because well I still like being a 'kid' sometimes. It's nice. But life continues to move on and tom. I will have to rise to the occasion and be the adult....Ha! OK But I will try. most of the time.

Anyways, I think I'm getting sick b/c I'm so busy lately but oh well. Again life goes on. I think that's it for now though. G'day all