Infinite, Unparalleled, Perfect Beauty and Love

While on vacation this week, I arose earlier than necessary one day simply to watch the sunrise over the horizon in all of its splendor and then quickly go back to bed for a nap, but God had other plans. 

I bundled up like an eskimo, and grabbed my heated CG coffee. I stepped onto the porch, and the freezing cold tempted me to just go back to bed, because the sun comes up every morning right? I took a sip of the tasty coffee, and started out towards the pool which overlooked the gorgeous hill country of Texas. As I sat and marveled at the beauty of the pinks, blues, oranges, and yellows coming up over the hills and clouds, it hit me, this is all that life is about. To be in complete awe of Him, and speechless in the presence of His beauty, of which we only see the slightest glimpse while on earth. To be so at peace, that nothing else matters… not the broken relationships, the hard times, the job you perform, the clothes you wear, or even the church body you attend… none of it mattered in that moment. All that mattered was that I was with Him, God Himself was sitting right there with me as the bitter cold tried to sway me to go back inside. I was in a place where nothing could touch me except for Christ, and He did in a big way. He began to speak to me through the cold, through the hills, through the sunrise, and even through the rooster crowing in the distance. He spoke to me so clearly, it was as if we were sitting in a coffee shop all warm and cozy, just catching up. It was transcendent, to say the least. 

He began to show me the life He has given me in a way I haven't seen before now. He laid out all that He has done in my life up until now, and a vague picture of what He plans to do. A rush of gratitude and emotion swept over me, and I began to weep at the wealth of blessings in my life both presently, and what is to come with Him in glory. To say that is was a treasure, would not be enough. As I began to thank Him for all He has done, and is doing, He stopped me. He reminded me to just be. "Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10a. He showed me the array of colors in the rising of the sun, and the beauty of the wind gently blowing through the treetops. As beautiful as all this was, He told me how much more I meant to Him. He told me I was radiant and stunning in His eyes, and nothing in His creation compared with me. It was in this moment that I felt completely free. 

All too often, we run to a relationship on earth that gives such a narrow view of the love and passion that He has for us. I have recently been swept away with how easily we give our heart away to a romantic relationship on earth, and yet God is standing by waiting for you to run to Him with that same intensity. We get so caught up in the romance of it all, but I don't think we look towards God without the same zeal. Believe me, I am not one to talk. God created me as an fiercely passionate person, who cares so deeply and intensely for those close to her, that it doesn't make sense to many. As this person, I do not know how to be indifferent. When God gives me the gift of a new friend, or even an interest in someone, I cannot help but be passionate in my pursuit of them. 

I recently finished a book that I will most likely read again & again, until the pages are torn and tattered. It has been the most significant reading in my walk with Christ beat out only by God's Word itself. It is called Sacred Romance by John Eldridge and Brent Curtis. One of the many lines that spoke to me is found on page 148, and says, "We are the Beloved; our hearts are the most important thing about us and our desire is wild because it is for a wild God." As a fervent woman, this resonated with me deeply, and took away my fear of being a burden to others. God not only created me this way, but did so because it is how He wants me to pursue Him, radically and without regard for social stigma or cultural norms. He put in me a desire to not only be passionate, but to love radically, both Him and those around me. Throughout the book the authors point you to this message: God is not calling us to hold back, to not feel deeply, to not give freely, or to not love with abandon, but rather when He says to "guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Prov. 4:23), He is not asking us to withhold, or keep quiet, but instead to remain fully engulfed in Him, and not hardened to His will, His love, and His continual romancing of you throughout your life. The authors point continually to the idea that the Sacred Romance " calls to us through experiences… it rouses an inconsolable longing deep within our heart, wakening in us a yearning for intimacy, beauty, and adventure." God wants us to take this love and passion, and pour it into other people as a means of sharing the incredible gift that we have received. The love that God has for us isn't meant to stop inside of us. It is meant to spill out of our mouths, flow from our hands, and leak from hearts. 

I will begin to close with a couple more quotes from the book:

"As our soul grows in the love of God and journeys forth toward Him, our heart's capacities also grow and expand: 'Thou shalt enlarge my heart' (Ps 119:32) "

"To want is to suffer; the word passion means to suffer… Many of us have chosen simply not to want so much; it's safer that way. It's also godless. That's stoicism, not Christianity. Sanctification is an awakening, the rousing of our souls from the dead sleep of sin into the fullness of their capacity for life."

Throughout my life I have felt to be a burden to many as I long for so much more, something deeper, a beauty that I can't quite catch a hold of, but through much prayer, Scripture reading, and this book I have learned that I am this way for a reason, and "I can let the ache lead me deeper into my heart and higher toward heaven." Knowing this allows me to be thankful, and praise God that He has blessed me in being able to love in this way, rather than be self-conscious and afraid to express the deep emotions that I feel. When I am overcome with emotion after seeing the intrinsic beauty of a sunset or the sheer joy of a child, I do not have to be ashamed, because God created that for me to see a glimpse of how radiant He is. SR states it this way, "beauty awakens in us an ache for a home we have never seen." I pray that I can carry on eagerly, knowing I am on my way home, to be with my one true Love forever. He alone will satisfy me fully, and He alone will be my guide. Join me in clinging to Him as we live this life to the fullest without fear, and love freely as He loved, while we wait for that glorious day that we get to spend eternity in His house. 

"Every day when we rise, we can tell ourselves, 'my journey today will bring me closer to home; it may be just around the bend.' " - SR

I am always with you;

You hold me by my right hand,

You guide me w/ Your counsel,

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever. 

Psalm 73:23, 26

Break time

Well it's one of my favorite times of year, and tomorrow I get to go spend 6 days with the most incredible little girl, my niece Austyn, and my brother & sister in law. During that time, I am choosing to refrain from all social media. Starting tomorrow morning I will not be on  facebook, twitter, or instagram  for minimum 6 days, and possibly lasting through new years. I am doing this experiment mainly to see what getting rid of distractions will do for my spiritual walk. I want to really focus on Christ this week in my down time. When I go to bed and wake up this week, I am not going to spend my normal 20 minutes checking fb, email, and instagram. I am going to use that precious time before I close out the day or start a new day to focus on what really matters, and to hear from the One who speaks truth into my life. Pray for me if you don't mind this week. I hope to get answers on questions that have been running through my mind, grow in my walk with Christ, and deepen the only relationship that truly matters in my life. I got the idea from a pastor of my church, and I encourage you to try it. I'm hoping the new year will begin with a new perspective thanks to more time spent with Him. Join me. Come follow my King...

You who are young, be happy while you are young,
    and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth.
Follow the ways of your heart
    and whatever your eyes see,
but know that for all these things
    God will bring you into judgment.
10 So then, banish anxiety from your heart
    and cast off the troubles of your body,
    for youth and vigour are meaningless. - Ecclesiastes 11:8-10

Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. - Matthew 16:24

Who cares what you want?

    As Christians, what we want really doesn't matter. We are human, and as such we have sinful desires. Regardless of having been saved, we still sin, and though we are forgiven and washed clean, those desires remain. Whether they be selfish, lustful, vengeful, hateful, or even good intentioned desires, most of these are pertinent to God's plan for our lives and the lives of people around us. We are not called as Christians to "follow our heart" as so many of our generation believe we should. Our hearts are corrupt. They are greasy, filthy, disgusting rags (Isaiah 64:6) in the eyes of God. Why then do people think that what they want means anything?

   When Jesus came into this world to save us from ourselves, the Jews, the chosen ones, were exstatic. They were thrilled that their Messiah had finally come to rescue them from Caesar... but then they talked to Him. They got to know this man that claimed to be the Savior, and yet was not overthrowing the Roman government. He was not giving into their desire to pull them out of this temporary struggle. They were so focused on their desires, their ideas, and what they wanted, that they missed the entire message of what Jesus came for. He came not to save them from an earthly ruler, but from the prince of darkness that seeks to destroy their souls. God had a much bigger plan, and the desires of the Jews did not matter. They desired this great warrior, and while Christ did conquer our sin and the price we should have paid for it, He did not accomplish their wishes. (Romans 9-11) While some came to know Him in all of His glory (the Remnant), most denied who He is because they did not get what they wanted. He knew this would happen, and this opened the door for us as Gentiles to come to know Him. God has a plan. He is sovereign in everything, everywhere, every time. His will always prevails.

   When you desire that job, that guy, that car, so much that you begin to crave it. You start dreaming of what it would be like with that in your life, and then you begin to act on it. You wear yourself out trying to achieve more at work, because your just dying to get that promotion. You are heartbroken time after time, because no matter how many times you put your heart on the line, instead of picking it up and loving you... that guy stomps on your heart and tears it to shreds. You need to feel the rush of that engine so badly, that you take out a loan you can't afford, and you are indebted for something that you will probably regret months, if not weeks, later. Our desires only lead to discouragement. We want something so badly, that we will do anything to have it, regardless of whether it is good for us or not. That job might be a bad environment for you to live in 40 hours a week. The guy you've been dreaming about might be abusive, or cheat on you. That car might get you into a devastating wreck, because you just had to see how fast it could really go. (or you could just go into major debt) What we want isn't always what is best for us... no matter how many ways we can justify it in our conniving minds.

Think back to when you were a child, and something happened where you could have been in danger. Say you ran off in the mall, or hid in the racks (c'mon you know you did it), or even lied to your parents (maybe about playing with matches), what happened? You got in trouble, and your parents got worried, because something could have happened to you. What you wanted in that moment did not matter, because it was not the best thing for you. God's will is in essence the same way in that He only wants the very best for you in everything. As God's children, our petty desires do not matter and will ultimately destroy us. We try so hard to make our lives comfortable, and while being so is not ultimately a bad thing, we should try harder to be in God's will than getting one more thing that we think we might need.

   Our lives don't have to be uncomfortable, but we shouldn't strive for everything we want in our lives. We are called to live a life set apart from our neighbors. We are called to be the salt of the world, the light in the darkness that fills our society, and above all sons and daughters of the King of Kings. Our God had so much more than we could ever imagine waiting for us, and we simply must trust in Him. So take your eyes off that new pair of shoes that you can't afford, and look into the eyes of the most incredible friend and Father. He alone can sustain you, and if you trust in that daily then you can little by little put aside your worldly desires for those of His. Live a life so engrained in who He is, and His will that people can't help but ask about your Savior, Sustainer, and Father. Love God, Love people...

A person’s selfish desires are set against the Spirit, and the Spirit is set against one’s selfish desires. They are opposed to each other, so you shouldn’t do whatever you want to do. The actions that are produced by selfish motives are obvious, since they include sexual immorality, moral corruption, doing whatever feels good, idolatry, drug use and casting spells, hate, fighting, obsession, losing your temper, competitive opposition, conflict, selfishness, group rivalry, jealousy, drunkenness, partying, and other things like that. I warn you as I have already warned you, that those who do these kinds of things won’t inherit God’s kingdom. Galations 5:17, 19-21

Then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:2-4 

Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. Psalm 119:36

What are your thoughts on the matter? Please let me know, I'd love to hear your take on it.

My week with a gift from God

I've been made aware that I might have seemed a bit obnoxious with the multitude of pictures of my new niece. I know it might seem like I'm crazy, or that I might have baby fever, but that would be wrong. The truth is that I love my family, and spending the past week with my them was incredible. The story of my brother and sister is amazing, and one of the many reasons why I love sweet Austyn so much. I love my brother and sister so much, and only because of that I can love their daughter at all. They are an inspiration to me, and I hope they know that. Here is a little way I am choosing to share their incredible story with you...

I love you Dustin & Emily, and I cannot wait til December to see you two and that amazing gift from God that I'm proud to call my niece.

A Daily Reminder

A few days ago was the anniversary of the day I lost the best friend I ever thought I could have. It was difficult to get through the day, but as of December 31st of 2011 I will always have an image burned into my brain, and inked in my skin of what my sweet Andy will forever be to me. To many it might sound like heresy, and to some it might seem insane. Regardless of what other people think, I know that the truest example of the character of my Jesus that I will ever see came from the most stoic and loving dog that I was blessed to call mine for 13 years.

I was moved to write this after listening to the message shared at Watermark this morning ( Watermark Media ), and because of the drive and emotion that pour from my soul because of my love for my dog and my Jesus.

a cancer ribbon that forms an  "A"
around the cross of my Savior
depicting the love He showed for me

All of my life I have been in church. At an early age I became a Christian. I have gone to church, followed most of the rules, and generally thought I was a good person, whatever that is supposed to be. I knew what God had done for me, and I believed that He loved me. I knew it all, believed most of what I heard in the church, and was convicted when I did something I knew wasn't right. Nothing radical, nothing that would completely set me apart, and just the generic Christian. After graduating from Baylor, I began to lose hope.

I will not bore you with too many details, but life was difficult. Many nights of tears, heartbreak, and despair brought me to a place where I basically gave up on almost everything. I had nothing I thought I was entitled to, and no matter how hard I worked, things did not get better. They only got worse. After much trouble with employment, back and forth on whether or not I could afford my bills on my own, the one I called "the love of my life" started to get sick. It started out slow, but progressed into the most horrible heart-breaking disease I have ever seen. While I sought out any other answer, cancer ate away at my best friend. For months, I tried everything and looked into every other possibility. Pouring my heart, soul, and bank account into trying to make him better. He was my everything, and I was losing him. As pain wrecked his body, he never once let it affect his outpouring of love for me, but rather loved me all the more. He was there for ME, and wanted me to feel better. When the stress of everything would break me, it was not God that I ran to, but my Andy. He would stay with me, and do everything he was capable of to try to make me feel better. His love for me had no conditions, and all I could see were problems. I was not the person God called me to be, and I was falling away. I had no hope, no joy, and was losing faith. Two weeks after tests confirmed my worst fears, cancer took my best friend from me, and my world started to crumble.

Shortly after, I lost my job, and ended up having to move back to Dallas after six years in Waco. With a heavy heart and seemingly nothing left to give, I left my what I knew and went back to a place that I no longer felt at home. I had long begun to resent my situation, and what I had been going through. I felt like I didn't matter to this great God that I had always heard about. I thought I knew Him, and that I was just to follow the rules, but honestly I didn't care anymore. However, I knew deep down that if I didn't make some friends and get connected somewhere that I would spiral into the darkness. I figured if I found a church, that I could fade into the background and be satisfied. Little did I know what God had in store for me...

After some online research and a few streamed sermons, I thought I knew what I was getting into by going to try this place called Watermark. God put some incredible people in that place, and the church in that building is the most welcoming group of people I have ever known. I immediately felt loved and accepted as myself, all of my issues included. God began to do incredible things, and I truly began to understand the depth of His love. One morning while in service, Jesus showed me how no matter how much Andy loved me, and how much pain he endured while trying to make me feel better. No matter how much I thought Andy was my world, that Jesus alone was more. This rocked my world. Suddenly God's love for me made complete sense, and I had a new perspective on the cross. HE loved ME. All of my problems, issues, and the things I had done, and HE loved me... no matter what.

I have a new best friend. Death has no power over my Jesus. (John 11: 44, Luke 24:6) There is nothing that can keep me from Him. To Him I run in trouble, and no sickness will take Him away from me. Through Him I can accomplish anything in His name, and though bad times may come, I have joy in Christ. The grave could not hold Him, and my God alone will have victory over death.

 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. - Deuteronomy 31:6




Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, 
  he refreshes my soul. 
He guides me along the right paths 
 for his name’s sake. 
Even though I walk
 through the darkest valley, 
I will fear no evil, 
for You are with me; 
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; 
my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord  forever.

Pensive and Nostalgic yet Blessed and Fulfilled

While sitting in Common Grounds and drinking a Mexican hot chocolate, I am overwhelmed with memories. The hours upon hours I have spent here in the past were many, and so much of the experience of Baylor was in or through this place. I met friends through coffee, and finished many a paper on the eclectic worn couches and chairs. I am in Waco for the weekend, and while I still love this place, and it will always hold a place in my heart... being back is just not the same. I was able to see most of the people I have been missing already, and it has been amazing. I had an amazing time last night with great friends, and feel incredibly blessed to have had that time, but it not my home anymore. Typing those words brings tears to my eyes, as this place, these people, and this town became my everything, but now it is simply a part of my past it seems. I will never forget the times had here, good and bad, that shaped me into the woman I am today. The overwhelming excitement as I drove across the county line and into the city limits for the first time since I officially moved away was thrilling and yet terrifying. I was shaking from the rush of emotions and the thought of seeing everyone again. Scared that it would be a disaster, and yet knowing that God allowed me to come back for a reason, I opened the car door and felt like I was walking back into the hearts of the people here I love so much. From my best friend to my boss at my old church, seeing everyone again and feeling the burst of love, that a hug brings, was more of a blessing than I could have ever asked for. This weekend has been and continues to be a blessing. Good times with friends who seem more like family is a great way to spend a weekend away form work. The thin is though, although I felt welcomed back and loved, things are different now...

Since moving to Dallas, I have found life, love, and grace. I have come back to the God of my salvation, and started trying to live the life He has for us. I have come to know the love He has for us, and the incredible friendship He offers us as His children. I have found the loving God that I wasn't sure had time for me before now. Having Him in my heart, and knowing He has a plan for me and only wants the best for me, I have come so far in the two months at my new church, Watermark. He brought me out of this place, and into fellowship with Him. He took away all of the things that were keeping me from relying solely on Him. He took my job, my baby (my dog Andy), my apartment, my best friend, my church and my comfort. Growing up in a Christian home I knew that I should find a church once I moved, but I had no idea what God had in store for me. He broke me, and brought me closer to Him. He blessed me with friendships, that continue to encourage me, strengthen me, and help mold me to His will. In the past two months, I have lost almost everything I thought was important in my life. Little did I know I was completely wrong, and God showed me the error of my ways. He gave me love, grace, and life in Him. The joy I have in him in more incredible and fulfilling than anything I ever had before in any worldly things. I am far from being the person God wants me to be, but I can now see the life He wants for me, a life full of joy, not of this world, and lived entirely reliant on and through Him. I am not perfect, nor will I be, but the least I can do is strive to live for Him and in Him. Waco will always be a huge part of my story and how I came to who I am today, and I will always love the people who made my life here what it was, but no longer will it be what I thrive on. No longer will the comfort of this place and the people here make life worth living. 

All this simply to say... I love Waco, and all that the people, places, and memories it has, but no longer does being here drive me. God is my driving force, and He alone will fulfill me. 

^{Philippians 3
         7} But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in^[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

 ¹² Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

A Drastic Change, A New Beginning, A Bettering of Self

Long overdue, but here is my thoughts on where I was, where I've come, and where I'm going. 

My time in Waco... where do I start? Over the six years I spent in Waco, I learned a lot not only about myself, but about life, friendships, and God. I cherished the people I met, especially those I was blessed by getting to know, mainly the people at FBC Woodway, where I worked for four (what seems now) short years. I was blessed to have and get to know a few different bosses over the years, and they were all a gift. Words cannot express the things they taught me over the years, the wisdom they exuded, the friendship we shared, or the encouragement they freely gave. I worked in the Children's Ministry there, and saw God work in the lives of children as I watched them grow up. I still can't believe that the little girl I fell in love with when she was still learning to walk, not only learned to walk, talk, even have conversations with me, but during my time there she made the most important decision she'll ever make... she came to believe in the God who saves, and was saved from judgement. I still remember it like it was yesterday, when she came running up to me, beaming so she could share her decision with me. I can't believe how much those kids grew while I was there, and what they taught me while growing up themselves. Such innocence and wonder, and always longing for more. I will always hold love in my heart for them, no matter where I go, or how much time goes by.

My last Sunday was pretty perfect, and summed up perfectly the most amazing job I've ever had... I was able to work with my class that had just moved up, and they hugged me and loved me until my heart melted. It was all that I could do to walk away from them and not start a downpour. I went on to college hour for the last time as a Waco resident, regardless of the fact I wasn't in college. (I didn't go much of my senior year, as I was thoroughly involved in the children's ministry.) Criner brought it as usual. He was used, and spoken through and used his incredible gift to further God's kingdom. I'll always love his style. After that I went and for the last time, clocked out and went to say goodbye to the amazing women I had the chance to work with while there. I will miss all of them dearly, and cannot wait to see them when I visit during Baylor's homecoming. 

Moving back to Dallas after six years was and continues to be hard, but I have some pretty incredible people helping me through the transition. During the two months I was traveling back and forth on the weekends, I found a church called Watermark in Dallas. After looking around on their website, I found out they had a service on Tuesday nights for people in their 20s & 30s called The Porch. My first week there was ok, but the next I started to meet people. I now am getting to know a variety of people from different backgrounds, and all of them are amazing people. I feel blessed to even have met them, even more so to be able to call them friends. I can't wait to see what comes from these friendships in the future, and what they will teach me. 

Where I am headed only God knows, but I have much hope for the future. I am still looking for a place to live, but it is less of a concern than it was even yesterday. I am in a place where I can learn, and grow with people that will only point me more towards Him. I am excited for the future God has for me, and the places I will go with Him. 

Watermark - my new home